So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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