Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
