If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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