we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize