i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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