Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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