You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize