i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
