apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
