Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
