I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
