I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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