I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
