Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
