OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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