I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
