Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
they call him Oral-B. enough said
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I sprained my soul last night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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