dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
