Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
