Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
