apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
