Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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