What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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