Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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