Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
