oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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