I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
