nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
