I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize