i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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