just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
