she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
and you fell through a lawn chair
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize