Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
