You don't have asthma, your pregnant
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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