Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
