Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
