If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
