I feel like abortions should bother me more
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
