Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
be right there i have to get my cape
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
