I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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