the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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