and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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