Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
