My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
