Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
