I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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