I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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