I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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