my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
