My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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