A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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