how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like death gave me a hand job
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
