Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize