it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
