my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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