She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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